Back to the dating pool

 

Well unfortunately or maybe fortunately( depending on how you look at it) , I am back into the dating pool . Being a single lady in NYC in my 30’s seems a little daunting right now. I am black, single, have no kids, work full time , take online classes to get my second bachelor’s degree and make time for my friends and family.  Sounds like a personal ad I know but that is my life right now.  I have never been the bar hopping type and I know I’m not cool enough to to do speed dating so I have created profiles on match.com, Chemistry.com and interracial dating.  This to me is what my dating life has come to and honestly I’m not upset about it. You can read and learn about what people are and what they like without actually having to meet them to find these things out prior. Also what makes it great is if you may not find that person attractive, you don’t have to tell them to their face and vice versa.  As from my prior post My love for Asian men, I am learning that black women are low on the totem when it comes to dating for various reasons. It seems we are not good enough or worthy to date. WOW was my first reaction to reading about this. I guess I was blind to the fact that I am part of a non desirable set.  It seems that Caucasian , Asian and Hispanic/Latin women have a huge edge over me when it comes to getting a date. Here I am thinking it is my height that scares men (6’1″). Instead it is because of the race I am.  Sad state the world is in if that is the case. I guess being raised to be strong and independent in the sense of taking care of oneself is a turn off. I admit I come from a one parent home and I have been raised by women but when it comes to men, I have dated and learned. I used to beat myself up thinking I was too strong but now I realize this is part of me. I can be loud but I am also very introspective. I sometimes surprise myself with how quiet i can be an let my thoughts roam. I have always felt comfortable in my own skin and being on my own but as with all humans, you do want to share your life with someone. But these days, I am doing things that make me happy and fill my heart with joy.  I have finally learned not to be afraid of love and love like new each time. I am not blindly going into relationships but I each one I learned new about what I want. What my last relationship taught me is that there are still gentlemen out there, men who are capable of not being afraid to hold hands, to worry about their significant other, to be happy with talking about anything from trivial to serious. Those who dont mind their girl taking them out, who dont mind taking out their lady, open and honest about whats in their hearts. I have a huge respect for people who are truly honest with themselves and other people.  Since I am open minded, I do expect the guy I go out with to be the same.  So I look forward to the next man that man upstairs puts in my path and learning about them and ultimately more about myself. This joruney called life is wonderful and challenging and I plan on meeting them head on 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Back to the dating pool

  1. Thats a good blog….i am an asian man and i feel happy whites love asian men…if u would like to make friendship with me pls mailme: leisure.special at gmail dot com

  2. Jan…Thank you for this, because I have been feeling this way for years. I have girlfriends of different nationalities and it is consistently easier for them to date. No joke–my caucasian, latin, asian and multi-racial girls get asked out at least 5 to 7 times more often. We are all of similar educational and professional backgrounds. Hell, most of us are the same height and size even…yet, nine times out of ten, they will get asked out WAY before I will.

    Are black women that undesirable…talk about hitting the self esteem hard. I shouldn’t be surprised though, we rarely get the much needed love and support that we hunger for from our fellow African American men. It’s a bit discouraging to say the least…but I’m not giving up on the brothers but I’m damn sure keeping my options open. It’s interesting, the most fulfilling, fun, respectful, long term relationship I’ve ever had was with a Asian guy. Imagine that.

  3. Janine, and Jameka… First Id like to start off by respectfully saying that any man would be lucky to have one of you lovely ladies.
    (excuse any typos… on the elyptical machine)

    The first thing that stood out to me is the term “dating”. Women are not suppose to date, they are suppose to be “dated”… meaning Stop Choosing. Being “dated” is mental. And, whether we kniw it or not, all of our subconscious thoughts ooze out of us through body language. If you internally pre-think that a fine black brotha will not be interested… then your body language will show that YOU are not interested either; without you realizing it. However, around other ethnicities, black women will be at ease internally, which shows externally, and you act as your true self… then you are hit on. The mental always manifests into the physical.

    Now, the “independant” black woman… I dont get that. What did Beyonce create? What grown woman isn’t independant? You all pay bills, drive cars, work… I dont get it. Then you rattle off your list of accomplishments. Nobody cares!! No disrespect, but a man is a provider by nature, just like a woman is a nurturer. If a man TRULY wants you… we dont care about degrees, children, jobs… we just want to love you! When a man TRULY loves a woman, he’s gonna love her til the end of time, with no money, no education, and nuclear war. When people get married based on accomplishments or potential …ahem… that’s a business arrangement.

    Finally, internet dating is a joke. Its another way for people to be lazy, and its another way to take people’s money for something they can do themselves… like lawncare or starbucks. Lol. If you go on a sex site its full of horny men right? Well dating sites are full of overzealous women. Men are using you on these sites just to get dates. It not the women on these sites that are being lazy, its the men. Too lazy, or too “busy”, or too scared, to walk up to a woman and introduce himself. You talk to a woman in public and its a crapshoot. Holla at 200 women online and you’re guaranteed to score. Men know that ALL of these women want a man and are ready to settle down. They can easily get a date to show off at a function or a barbecue. They also know that if they pretend to really like you, they may even get some booty.

    I may be embelishing a little, but still, these are the dangers of it. Respect a man that has the balls to approach you in person.

    YOU are the job, and all men are potential employees. Let them work hard to show you that they are worthy of the position that you have available. Be dated, courted, and have fun. Stay out and about and mingle. Whether in NY or Charlotte, keep your mind open to everyone. Have fun. Make jokes. DANCE! Leave the armour at home. Meet people in person. Become closer with your male homies. You never know who they know. Get offline and stop giving men a cheat sheet before they take your quiz. Make them study you the traditional way. But most importantly, revel in you “different-ness”. Every ordinary dude may want the chicks that all look the same, but only a special dude will want a special woman!

  4. Bobby-

    Good points and thanks for responding. I’ll speak personally. For me, I’m out and about, I have fun, I smile and I am internally comfortable with myself without being overt about my accomplishments and what I do/have done. Yet…I still don’t get approached as much as my non black counterparts.

    I do celebrate my “differentness,” so I definitely appreciate you for pointing it out that 🙂

    I love these types of discussions…it keeps the lines of communications open between the sexes.

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