Finding my way……. am I passionless?!?!?!?!?

It has been a hot minute aka 2 Months and 7 days since I have posted in my blog. I remembered when I started this blog, it was supposed to be about my photography and building the Draco Photography brand.  Fast Forward almost 4 years and things has changed.

1) I hardly take pictures anymore.  I can try to place blame on my job and not having enough time but truth is if I was truly passionate about taking pictures, I would carry my camera everyday and snap anything I saw on my way to work and on my way home. What I realize is that while I loved taking pictures, the one bad incident I had with a paid gig has soured me against taking money for photography. It is not because I do not want to ( after all, with the way times are, I need any extra income I can get), it’s that people are extremely fickle and I would rather not deal with the Bullshit.

I do not mind taking pictures of my friends or their families because most of the time I know them and built a comfort level with them. I mean I can build a comfort level with most people because I know i am nice person ( to point). But , now I am not creatively inspired to picture up my behemoth aka Nikon D200, the workhorse aka Nikon D70 or the stream liner aka Panasonic Lumix DMZ-TZ5. All these cameras to me are amazing but when you are in funk and constantly worrying about finding something to do that your passionate about, things you thought you loved then get neglected.  Photography and I are not on speaking terms right now and I have been mulling over selling my cameras just to have extra cash.

2) Not really working in the fashion industry the way I would like. I truly applaud the people I know like Sue Rock who is a designer and has her own line and left the comfort of a regular job to do what she loves, Jameka Whitten who has crafted her marketing mind and prowess to bring the Queen City to forefront of fashion while parlaying herself as  a social media coordinator at her job she works from 9-5, Tamara Walker who has become a PR guru for fashion and media commentator on the plus size/ figure model market place, Like Chuck Holliday who took his skills to parlay not ony keeping his businesses running but filming for NBC, Jason Anderson who I consider a tech guru and has made his name to be recognized when new gadgetry comes out, Johnny Gonzalez who makeup and hair artistry continue to amaze with each shot I see of his work, Joa who Let go and his net appeared beneath him and his wings have never been so wide.  Even As I type this I am crying because I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to truly let go and let life take me on a journey.

Being 34 soon to be 35, I always wonder if it too late for me. I talk as if I am ancient but sometimes I feel that way. I base so hard in reality that sometimes I am truly afraid to dream. I love people who are not afraid to dream and I always  want people’s dreams to come true. But I know I am my own worst enemy.

3) Procrastination is my enemy. She and I fight all the time and she usually wins cause I allow it.  I never seem to finish things I have put so much time into. For example, I have been writing a book on how people can be better shoppers. Have I finished?!?!?! Almost but again I put things in my way instead of just finishing and self publishing. Why not? After all many people self publish. Seems to be the way to go since everything is going electronic.  I have also been writing a tawdry novel for 6 years and the book almost to the end and I have yet to finish writing it.  I would like to say I didn’t have time but that s BS. Most people who want something , will find time? so it is just I don’t want anything for my life? Am I afraid that people make like it and then there will be expectations put on me. I do not know if I fear success and much as I  fear failure.

Believe as I type I am fighting against her but whats moving me to type if the fact I have my IPOD on and music is pouring in to my soul.  Music has always soothed my soul and For that I am thankful for every note, every beat and every song that has touched my ears, my heart and my soul.

4) Trying to brand myself. Gone are the days of big corporations branding themselves so they are etched into our minds as dependable brands but no we as normal human beings need to brand ourselves to the world to prove we are capable of doing the job or task put in front of us. How can a human being possibly truly brand themselves when most people do not know themselves. I have been looking for a new job because I want security ( 401k, medical, dental, eye) but what I am slowly realizing is none of these things are secure. Shit The recession showed us nothing is secure and this world is not secure. For example, I have learned that in 4 days the world will suffer a global earthquake and if anyone should survive, the survivors will suffer until the world really ends on Oct 21st. Jeez, I honestly wish someone had told me sooner. Maybe then I would not have been afraid to do things and not make safe choices and just live life.

5) Being afraid to post anything online. After all, now applying for a job is like trying to work for the government. They delve deep into your records, check your Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, LiveJournal, YouTube, Google, Yahoo, Bing, MySpace, Tumblr or anything net related to see what your stance is on this or on that. Whether or not you bad mouth your boss, your job, potential companies.  Now while some people are foolish enough to add their bosses to their friends list and then proceed to bad mouth them or their job, some things are truly no potential employers business. We are human and we all have bad days and are fallible. I guess what these jobs are trying to figure is if you crack under the pressure. Problem is, will they spend a long enough time in your past to see how long you have dealt with things before you reach your boiling point?

6) Not truly depending on my friends. I have tried my best not to burden my friends more than once a year I guess with the problems and burdens that swirl in my head and chew at my soul. After all, all humans have issues but not all the time to your friends want to hear yours. I guess that is why I usually keep very quiet and introspect a lot but I need to stop that. Me overthinking causes me grief and people who may not have done anything stupid drama which is not needed.

7) Constantly beating myself up as to why I am not being called for a job. I do not know if it is my job history or the experience I have that may scare Human resources from calling me but I want to go in to buying. I want to start as a merchandise assistant and work my way up. I cannot fathom that with the positions I see open , why I never get a call.  I realize that it is who you know, BUt I do not know anyone that has access to GUCCI’s Human resource department, or Saks’ HR department or Bergdorf’s( YES I DREAM BIG). I know full well I am capable of any job presented to me not just because of my job experience, but I love to learn. I learned that about myself from a young age. I get bored with tedium and routine. There has something learned during anytime at any job that will make me more prepared for the next step. I know that may sound like I would step on someone to get ahead, but not at all. I can work both independently and with  team and learn from everyone around me.

8) I have read the secret and trying my best to change my mind’s thoughts to be more positive but reality is  bitch . Yes people are mean, money is tight, times are not good but I am supposed to trigger my mind to think more positive. Forgive me but that will be hard.

9) Starting the blog for the wrong reasons. I started this blog and my other blogs with the unrealistic expectation of becoming blogger famous. After all, we have all heard the stories of bloggers who are famous and now are the taste makers, there are still millions who will never see a affiliate check. But I realized, those people get paid and are famous because they found their passion.

Which leads back to me. Am I passionless or just a scatter-brained human being who still trying to find her niche after 19 years of being in the workforce? I am sure my age is probably a factor which I why I don’t mention it anymore. Not that I am ashamed of my years, but I keep getting told I look younger than my age, so I am going to roll with it.

I am honestly making an effort to find what I am passionate about. While I love my family, friends, boyfriend, adopted fam, I really need to find my passion and stop being so afraid.  PLEASE GOD LET MY NET NOT HAVE A BIG HOLE IN IT 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Finding my way……. am I passionless?!?!?!?!?

  1. Hey Sweetie
    Saw your post last night on my phone but didn’t know how to comment (talk about “backwards”)…

    <<>>

    I can identify with so many things you write here. I am so sorry, you feel this way. It’s not about “finding your passion”, it usually finds you. I think you already know what those things are that makes you happy. It is the fear of letting go of the rail and allowing yourself to sail with the wind.

    It is a tough decision.. and I too admire those people you’ve listed here. I envy them to bits but I know that it is not my time yet. I love your photography (when you do post them), but maybe that is NOT the “job” for you. It is an escape.

    Job searching is horrendous. It takes a toll on ones emotions but you have to know that it’s not just you. It’s the million others out there that happen to be a second infront. Yes, it’s the people you know but just so you know IT IS NOT YOU!!! Don’t beat up yourself about it, just keep putting one foot infront the other each day.

    You are an amazing person!!!! You are YOU!

    • THANK YOU SO MUCH. I know this post sounded like a cry for help but I have had these feelings pent up for at least a year or more and you are right I am ME and I going to be the best me I can BE.

      Your words are very much appreciated 🙂

  2. Can you relate those feelings to a place? in other words is it the city dynamics what push you around until you don’t see end and you still keep running? and the only difference between those friends of your and you is that the amount of resources available at the moment? Its is circumstantial or our leap of fate is just vanish in a time where direction does not seem to go anywhere but to the same end where a dog is chasing its tail.

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