Well it is about that time, I guess. Unfortunately, I no longer have someone special in my life. This was my choice because we were not on the same page and truth be told, I was not going to wait around for him to figure out when he needs to grow up. I am not going to fully blame him because I saw this and I stuck it out instead of just going about my own business. I know people like to change people but I just wanted him to be more motivated, but once people get settled into a groove, it is hard for them to pull themselves out of it.
What this break up has taught me though is I need to take a GOOD and HARD look at myself. I have noticed a pattern in my relationships. I have dated guys who seem to be afraid of succeeding or moving forward and I am wondering if that is what is wrong with me. In a prior post, Am I Passionless, I questioned if I am truly afraid of succeeding. While I know I have the ambition to be better, I know I am truly afraid to step out on faith. I have realized this now (only taken me about 10 years). So I deal with men who seem to be afraid of the same thing. After all sometimes, we do deal with people who are a reflection of ourselves. I talked with my mom and I told her, I am not arrogant enough to think I am the best thing since sliced bread and any man would be lucky to have me ( though they wouldn’t be too bad off 😉 but i do know i do have some growing to do. Now while I love being a relationship ( spending time with someone special, going out to eat, doing weird things, fun things, great things and adult things) I realize I am not happy with me so therefore it would not be fair to anyone I may potentially deal with in the future. I am not a leech that wants to suck the happiness from someone else. I want to bring my own happiness to the plate.
Throughout our whole lives we grow, we change and we hope whoever we share our lives with is comfortable with the changes as we should be with theirs. Truth be told, I used to be the little girl who wanted to get married. Now, I want to get my savings back, be back in love with life, truly be happy with me and stop being so afraid of succeeding.
So back to the old drawing board.