Reflection of Self — Time to self analyze

Well it is about that time, I guess. Unfortunately, I no longer have someone special in my life. This was my choice because we were not on the same page and truth be told, I was not going to wait around for him to figure out when he needs to grow up. I am not going to fully blame him because I saw this and I stuck it out instead of just going about my own business. I know people like to change people but I just wanted him to be more motivated, but once people get settled into a groove, it is hard for them to pull themselves out of it.
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What this break up has taught me though is I need to take a GOOD and HARD look at myself. I have noticed a pattern in my relationships. I have dated guys who seem to be afraid of succeeding or moving forward and I am wondering if that is what is wrong with me. In a prior post, Am I Passionless, I questioned if I am truly afraid of succeeding. While I know I have the ambition to be better, I know I am truly afraid to step out on faith. I have realized this now (only taken me about 10 years).  So I deal with men who seem to be afraid of the same thing. After all sometimes, we do deal with people who are a reflection of ourselves. I talked with my mom and I told her, I am not arrogant enough to think I am the best thing since sliced bread and any man would be lucky to have me ( though they wouldn’t be too bad off 😉 but i do know i do have some growing to do. Now while I love being a relationship ( spending time with someone special, going out to eat, doing weird things, fun things, great things and adult things) I realize I am not happy with me so therefore it would not be fair to anyone I may potentially deal with in the future. I am not a leech that wants to suck the happiness from someone else. I want to bring my own happiness to the plate.

Throughout our whole lives we grow, we change and we hope whoever we share our lives with is comfortable with the changes as we should be with theirs. Truth be told, I used to be the little girl who wanted to get married. Now, I want to get my savings back, be back in love with life, truly be happy with me and stop being so afraid of succeeding.

So back to the old drawing board.

Drawing Board


Over Ten Years Later and the Movie Soul Food still gets on my nerves

I have what I consider a decent movie library but this movie will never make it into my DVD library. I have seen this movie on cable and the mood that it puts me in is never a happy one.

This movie showcased every black stereotype and family issue and completely put it in view of the whole world to see.

The family is made up of a matriarch, Big Mama, who has three daughters who each have significant others.  Vivica Fox’s character, Maxine has a blue-collar worker husband and 2 kids. They own a home but it seemed to me, not really have a lot of money. While they were not poor by any means, their money did not match the money Vanessa Williams’ character Teri made. She was a lawyer who had a lawyer husband. They lived in a beautiful apartment but work consumed them both which meant they never really spent quality time with each other. Nia Long’s character, Bird has her own beauty shop and has a husband who was in jail.

The title soul food was to show how the family dinner would bring the family together and all the problems they had would be taken care at the dinner table. If that isn’t the biggest crock of ish I have ever heard. Most of time, all the tension and issue that families face are made more a problem and creates bigger rifts than it heals them at dinner.

Since Teri was the breadwinner, she was expected to pay for everything. Even of her sister’s would claim to pay her back, they never would. When Teri  would gripe, all the Big mama would say is ” Teri, stop hounding your family.”  But truth be told, family can be your worst enemy and this movie brought that to light. I say this from personal experience because I have a family member who feels that all family is good for is being their own personal ATM.

Bird as her name sake to me was a chicken head aka a Bird. She runs a beauty salon and while that is a worthwhile endeavor, she is flirting with an ex and accepting gifts from him even though she is married. When her husband gets out of jail, he of course cannot find a job, so after failure after failure of 6 interviews, the battle cry is” the man puts you in jail to make you better but when you get out the crackers control the jobs, so you can’t get hired.” When she tries to find him a job, of course she  flirts with her ex and while the ex does get him the job, he wanted to show his prowess and control decides to rub it in Lem’s face. Lem of course loses his temper because is his pride as man has been damaged and lashes out and attacks him.  He them goes and yells at Bird for hurting his manhood and then goes to a bar to drinks his pain away.  Teri thinking sister got beat by her husband intervenes and has cousin Blimp beat up her husband and Lem pulls out a gun which he shouldn’t have had (you know terms of parole) end his ass right back in jail. Now while I will never know the plight of the black man or claim to ever, I think anyone who has gone to jail, no matter the race, has probably experienced the same problem.

And then they have a cousin Faith who comes and goes as she pleases and uses the family when she can. She used them so much she stayed in Teri’s house and because Teri and her husband’s relationship is strained Faith sleeps with Teri’s husband.

Throughout the movie, the true link was Maxine’s son, Ahmad. To be honest, that annoyed me no end. This little boy was never in his damn house at any real-time. He is always in every body business but that was the only thing that would gel this story together. While I know family is close, this is truly southern thing. I have no idea what this closeness is because my family unit is nothing like this.

Now while I guess to some it may seem like I’m jealous, this movies just made the closeness a little too uncomfortable at least to me.

So or course in the end, everything worked itself out but if this movie was made now, I bet you certain things would probably not be tied up in a neat ribbon. I know human beings want movies to entertain and give us hope because somehow we are never truly satisfied in our lives but in reality, sometimes things are not are not in a neat bow.

For the love of Pete——- Why does it Take someone to their last nerve for people to react

It never ceases to amaze me.Human beings are the strangest creatures. While talking to my most important parental unit aka MOM, she told me that she had a mini breakdown yesterday. She basically did a primal scream and then she told me here brain had shut down. Back story, times have not been well in my house as with most people in these times, but nerves in my house are FRAYED!!!!!. But the reason for the frustration had to reflect on my stepfather is treating my mom. ( Personally, anyone who treats my mom badly is on my shit list , but leave it to god and karma to handle the retribution. My Mom has told me that she has never been treated well by anyone and that everybody felt the need to just say anything you want to her because she may be a little loud and boisterous.  My mother basically laid it on the line with my stepfather. Told him everything and anything that was bothering her about their relationship. Now before you think my mom took too long to say anything, she has been talking forever but I have a feeling as with most men, when they feel their women are just nagging, they just tune them out. Once my mom said she wanted a divorce, then all of a sudden, He woke up.












So he then proceeded to say his peace and how he wants to make the marriage work. AGAIN!!!!! why is it takes ultimatums for people to actually do something. It is not like this was not something he really didn’t see coming. I know it is painful to face the truth of a situation, but it shouldnt take someone being at the end of their rope before you get off the damn pot. If this post seems a little preachy or upset, it is. I have lived on this earth 35 years and realized that only the truth will set you free and the earlier you face the facts, the less pent-up anger and frustration later.